With Gratitude, Optimism is Sustainable

Once in a while, the YouTube algorithm will get it right. I will be watching something, and when it ends, the recommended videos will include a clip which sparks my interest.

It happened a few weeks ago. I forget what I had been been watching, it’s not really important.

The suggested video was an interview with actor Michael J. Fox. In it, Jane Pauley talked with Fox about his life with Parkinson’s. I am always wary of these videos turning into inspiration porn. However, I thought this was well done for the most part. If you would like to see the video, you can watch it for yourself here.

At the end of the video, Fox describes how he maintains his positive attitude in the face of a progressive neuromuscular disease. This is a question often asked of people like me and Fox who live with serious disabilities. The answer he provided is one I also ascribe to.

With gratitude, optimism is sustainable.

I use gratitude lists to help me get through dark times, as I have written about in many earlier blog posts. I find optimism by counting my blessings. I have no control over much of what happens with my disability. I can’t control the speed at which my muscles deteriorate. I can do my best to preserve what function I have, but I know I will continue to decline over time.

What I can control, what all of us can control, is how we react to the activities in our lives which challenge us. Do we choose to wallow in self-pity for days on end or do we decide to tackle the unknown one small bit at a time? Do we ignore the support of others and try to fix a problem on our own, or do we reach out and ask others for help? Are we vulnerable in our need, or do we shelter ourselves due to fear of rejection?

There are times when I may do all of those things. I make poor decisions. I wait too long to ask others for assistance due to my stubborn need to prove I can manage independently. I have been known to shut out the world for an afternoon of feeling sorry for myself while indulging in a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream instead of calling a friend.

However, underneath it all I am an eternal optimist who is always grateful things aren’t as bad as they could be. When I have had enough sulking, the way I pull myself out is to start a new gratitude list. It is what got me through the emergency room after I broke my femur. Gratitude lists made it possible for me to endure the long wait for independent mobility when I bought a new accessible van. Well, that plus antidepressant medication. I mean, gratitude lists can’t do everything!

But, they can help you shift your mindset from one of misery to one of optimism. If you don’t believe me, listen to Michael. With gratitude, optimism is sustainable.

You Don’t Always Need a Recipe

I woke up very hungry this morning and decided to make something for breakfast using whatever I could find in my fridge. My eyes landed on the package of blueberries next to the yogurt and I immediately thought, “Pancakes would be great!”

With the help of a quick search, I found a recipe for Fluffy Greek Yogurt Blueberry Pancakes and my personal assistant Brooke started gathering ingredients. Together we measured and stirred, ticking off the list as we added each item, flour, baking soda, sugar and so on.

We were about to add the dry ingredients to the wet (that’s flour mix into egg and yogurt for you non-bakers) when I realized the recipe didn’t call for vanilla. I am a firm believer that most any baked item can be improved with the addition of a little dash of vanilla. So, even thought it wasn’t listed, I tossed some in.

I have had personal assistant staff look at me in horror when I changed a recipe by omitting or adding something. Thankfully, Brooke has cooked enough with me to know I like to modify ingredient lists and often agrees these changes result in good outcomes.

This was the case today because we both give these pancakes a 5 out of 5 review! They were fluffy, as the title promised. They puffed up and each bite contained at least 2 blueberries. And yes, the vanilla added just the right amount of flavor to make this my new go-to.

So many things in life are like a new recipe. You can follow it step by step as written and get good results. Or, you can try changing a step to see if it makes a positive change.

The change could result in disaster. Nobody wants me to repeat the adventure when I accidentally used flour instead of powdered sugar while making icing. And despite what “they” say, sweet potatoes can’t always substitute for pumpkin in baking recipes. When I tried to change my personal care routine a few years ago to having evening showers instead of morning, my schedule fell apart.

But, sometimes the addition of an extra step makes for the perfect twist. Don’t believe me? Try adding just a splash of almond extract to your next batch of chocolate chip cookies. Or, try pausing a moment each day to make a short gratitude list during your morning routine. This addition will help you be present with a more positive outlook as you face another day of possibility.

I don’t have the perfect recipe or instruction set for life. What I have is an ever-growing collection to help me achieve what I want. Over time, I modify the recipes to meet my needs and tastes. Some recipes appear and become favorites, while some are memories of a different time when my tastes or needs were not as developed as they are now.

Whatever recipe you are following, you have control of the final ingredient list. If something isn’t working, or tasting right, keep working at it until you find what is missing. Or, toss that recipe out and start a new one.

Just don’t stop experimenting. You’re worth a 5 star review!

Finding the Right Words

Like many college students, I struggled to decide what occupation or course of study to pursue. After a few months, I decided I wanted to become a speech-language pathologist. One of my professors, Dr. Mark Ylvisaker, taught me a definition of language I still use in my own presentations and writing. According to Dr. Ylvisaker, language is a shared symbolic code used by members of a group to express shared beliefs, ideas and values.

You can learn a great deal about a group by observing language. This week I was reminded how many people use negative language about disability rather than just saying the word “disabled.” Negative language just proves what we disabled people already know – nondisabled people don’t have a positive view of disability. (Side note, if you haven’t heard of the #SayTheWord campaign started by Lawrence Carter-Long, go do your research after you finish this post.)

What do I mean by negative language? I mean the back-handed compliment someone tried to give me by saying, “You’re so much more advanced than others who are dealing with your affliction.” It’s the stranger at the pharmacy who watched me wheel past a display and said, “Look at you handling that so well!” Or the person on Zoom who said, “You don’t even look handicapped Denise!” While all three of these caused my teeth to grind, I’d like to focus on that first example for this post.

That first sentence was said during a phone call with someone, whom I’ll call Helen, I had considered as a potential health provider. In the moment of conversation, I knew I would have to do some education if I were to continue with Helen. I have no problem educating others about disability positive language. I routinely perform this education when I go see my neurologist, who is based at a teaching hospital and has students accompanying him. However, when I am seeking help for myself, I don’t want to have to be the educator for the person I am looking to for assistance. I needed Helen to see my life as valuable, and her stating I had an affliction, which is defined as something that causes pain or suffering, did not set the right tone for me.

If I’m being honest, my disability has given me some privileges in life. Thanks to my disability, and the state of New York, I am eligible for both Medicaid and employer-sponsored health insurance. This means I have not paid out of pocket for hospital stays or medical appointments since 2008. Three surgeries, four hospitalizations, a two week stay at a rehabilitation hospital and countless doctor visits – plus a new wheelchair – at no out of pocket cost to me.

My disability has also provided privilege at other points in my life. I have been able to skip lines at tourist attractions thanks to my wheelchair. I have also been able to bring a companion for free or at a reduced cost sometimes. And who can forget the parking?!

I think most people who use language that may cause me to grind my teeth are just trying to find a common ground. They are afraid to say the wrong thing, at least that is what I tell myself as I try to be patient with myself and with them. After all, I am well-known for opening my own mouth and shoving my foot down my throat.

This is why I am a firm follower of the “oops and ouch” technique. Whenever I say something that doesn’t come out the way I intended, I say, “oops” and explain my intended message. And if I hear something that doesn’t sit well with me or offends me, I say “ouch” and explain why I am having a reaction. This exercise has helped me communicate more effectively with friends, work colleagues and during group presentations. The trick is staying present in the conversation, to apply it when the “oops/ouch” occurs.

I failed to respond immediately to Helen this week when faced with unexpected negative language but I still learned about communicating nonetheless. So, the next time I speak with Helen, or someone who uses language like she did, I can be more prepared to have a meaningful conversation.

Seven Years – Good for Me!

Yesterday I “celebrated” an anniversary. January 13th was the 7 year anniversary of the surgery to repair my femur fracture. In case you are new to reading my blog – and you probably are since I haven’t written regularly this past year – you can learn about that event in this post.

In brief – I fell to the floor when a former Personal Assistant didn’t listen to me. I broke my femur in what the orthopedic surgeon called a “doozy” of a spiral fracture. This started a chain of events which included: a stay in a rehabilitation hospital; moving twice in 18 months; losing independent transportation for almost 3 years; learning how to drive with high-tech hand controls; and, navigating the challenge of determining which antidepressant medication works best for me.

Looking back on everything that happened, I realize I am not good at giving myself praise and credit when I overcome challenges. I am free with a “good on ya!” or “great job!” to others, so why do I find it hard to take a moment and allow myself to feel proud of my accomplishments?

After all, through the past seven years, in addition to the events listed above I also managed to: survive (so far!) a global pandemic; travel to Canada (twice!) and Australia; participate in 3 Rotary International Conventions in person; change careers (twice!); and, serve as Rotary District Governor.

I have not consistently set annual goals for myself, but this year I have been giving it some thought. I have not clarified them just yet, however I know the only way I will accomplish anything is if I give myself permission to see my past performance in a positive light. This doesn’t mean bragging about what I have done; rather, it’s knowing what I am capable of, because – well, I have accomplished some amazing things! These accomplishments make me uniquely “Denise” so why wouldn’t I embrace them?

The truth is, we ALL do amazing things that make us uniquely ourselves! Do you take time to recognize your own accomplishments and give yourself credit? Try it this week with me, and let me know what you discover. Or just leave me a comment letting me know what accomplishment you are proud of.

Good on ya in advance!

My Go-To Tunes: Stay Strong Playlist

I’ve written many posts about music and the strength I find in a good song. I connect memory to music. Name an event or person and I will tell you the corresponding song from my ever-growing playlist. I have songs for almost every occasion – getting ready to go party or socialize; crying in a dark room after having my heart broken; gearing up for a challenge; even writing a blog post.

Last year my sister Donna mentioned her own reliance on music during stressful times. One by one, my other sisters chimed in with their own recommendations of songs they turn to when they need a boost of positive energy. I took the time to put them into a Spotify playlist.

Since then, we have added to the playlist as new songs come to our attention. The playlist is eclectic, and includes country, rock, showtunes and pop. I personally don’t like all of the songs, but since they mean something to a sister I added them. The other sisters may not like all the songs I selected either. It would be boring if everyone liked the same thing!

You may find yourself in a place where you need some positivity in your life, or a boost of energy to get through a stressful time. Or, you may just appreciate an eclectic new playlist curated by me and my sisters. Wherever you are, stay strong. Believe in yourself. Turn up the volume and sing along!